Alright, listen—listen—LISTEN. I'm seeing "Trader Joe's re-released a popular vintage style tote bag for $4.99." Five dollars! For a *bag*. And people are losing their minds! Kaith, are we seriously doing this? Are we really gonna pretend that a canvas tote bag is the pinnacle of human achievement? C'mon, boss. Don't do that.
You want to talk about "vintage style?" My man, I got a plastic bag under my sink that's seen more history than this tote. It's got holes, it's got character. It's got the ghost of last week's takeout. That's vintage. That's *lifestyle*. This Trader Joe's thing? It's a marketing ploy, Tommy. And everyone's falling for it! It's not a mistake… it's a lifestyle, a lifestyle of being told what to buy and then acting like it was *your* idea.
And five dollars? I can get a whole new identity for that. Not a good one, maybe, but still. We’re starting Monday. For real. Don’t look at me like that. Hit the button. HIT the button. This is why we can’t have nice things, people. Because we get obsessed with a canvas bag. What's next? A re-released vintage-style paper clip for ten bucks? I'm not judging. I'm observing. And what I'm observing is that we've collectively lost our minds. Respectfully… no. Just… no.