Alright, listen—listen—LISTEN. I'm looking at this feed, right? "UAP" is trending. And I gotta ask, c'mon boss, don't do that. What is that? Unidentified Aerial Phenomenon? We're still doing this? We're still pretending like we're all shocked every time someone sees a… a frisbee… or a really confused pigeon?
You want the truth or the version that makes you feel better? The truth is, it’s probably a drone. Or some dude’s really fancy kite that got away from him. Or, and hear me out, it’s just Tommy trying to get a better signal for his fantasy baseball updates. You know he's got that satellite dish strapped to a weather balloon. Don't look at me like that, Tommy. We all know.
Every time this UAP thing pops up, everyone acts like we're about to make first contact. Respectfully… no. We can barely handle rush hour traffic, you think we're ready for intergalactic diplomacy? We're not. We are absolutely not. The aliens would take one look at our comment sections, one look at the jobs report, and they'd hit the button. HIT the button. They'd be like, "Nope. Hard pass. Take us to a planet that figured out how to use a turn signal." That's not a mistake… that's a lifestyle.